What's Wrong and I Got This

Thought I'd put this all in one place to help me put my own situation in perspective. There's just so much.

• I tore my inner thigh muscle. No medical conformation on that, but that's what it feels like. I'm hobbled. I can barely walk. But I can get up and get moving forward with the help of a cane. It's been cut short enough for me to use. I make the cut end non-slip with Shoe Goo. Oh Shoe Go, what don't you do!

• I cannot carry and operate the cane. I need 2 hands on it and even then I'm shaking from the effort of stabilizing myself. I figured out that I can put food in Tupper with lids and then put those containers in a bag draped over my wrist so I can keep 2 hands on the cane. I don't need to plate meals. I can pretend that everything is take-out.

• When not moving forward I'm strong enough to stand. So I can do tasks at counter height including cooking and washing dishes. Heaven forbid I drop anything... I cannot reach the floor. Well, I can but it's hell so I avoid that. The deep bend is probably causing more damage.

• I have bad lymphedema. Both feet are horribly swollen. Visually it's embarrassing - as if there is anything I can do about it. Kankles! I have Kankles! I have water pills to help with the swelling (a result of the radiation) but with my torn inner thigh and being hobbled... getting back and forth to the bathroom is so hard. Do I suck it up, Buttercup? or back off the pill and deal with water retention.

• Water retention... I'm on a steroid to help with Percocet consumption, radiation pain, internal swelling, keeping things moving... steroids cause swelling too. I have a face like an orangutan. Vanity. This too will pass. So will the crazy weight gain due to the steroid and water retention. Vanity.

• I was doing so well with the recovery after radiation (to the left knee and both shoulders). The pain was incredible. It took my breath away. At times it made me bawl right out loud because I couldn't stand it any more. I had meds for that. I had gotten over the pain hump and was a couple weeks into the fatigue stage. If the worst thing in life is that you need is a nap, life isn't that bad. I probably had fatigue before, but I was too busy powering through the pain. I intentionally got up on a regular basis to do small tasks. Keep the body moving so it heals in motion - stronger - faster - bionic.

• I'm on a new chemo. This one is also a light weight maintenance medicine. It's 3 weeks on (IV on Mondays), one week off. As of Monday I'm on round 2 / injection 2. 4 more rounds and we'll have a look-see to make sure all is stable. Bone only cancer, Baby. That's a good thing. It can go on for years and years and years. Maybe they'll even find a cure in the mean time. You never know.

• I lost half my hair with this one. I have a full head of hair, but those hairs are spaced way out sooo... 75% bald. I have wigs for that. Vanity.

• I'm on blood thinners. We found a clot at the back of my right knee a while back and I was immediately put on injections. I did my 4 rounds of 30 shots to the tummy and then spent a couple weeks trying to figure out who my prescribing doctor was (so many doctors) so I could get put on oral thinners. Shit. Found out yesterday I have to be back on the needle. Had the man pick up my next set of pins (40?!!) and started them again last night. Apparently blood clots are a very serious thing for cancer / chemo patients. So not only am I puffy and swollen, I'm also black and blue. I bruise easy now.

- - - - - - - - - -

I keep powering through. I keep looking for the silver lining. I have a great sense of humour about all this shit. I just need to keep it in perspective. It's real. It's a great big shit-pile of reality. I can pretend it's not all that bad and do silly things like crafting, tending my indoor plants, being a web designer...

Look good, feel good! It's important to play dress up. It's important to put on make up. Sometimes I let that slide because it's a lot of effort. But I feel much better when I do make the effort. Today, hobbled or not, I'm making the effort.

I had to give up on being an art teacher this October. I just couldn't guarantee I could be there. I can't walk. I can't drive. It's not fair to them. Maybe I'll keep putting a lesson plan together anyway. Maybe next year I'll get all my shit together. There's a gent at the pub who's a teacher. He's invited me to teach locally to the kids (there are many schools in this neighbourhood). I could start small... (snickers). Teaching kids is no smaller than adults; they're just shorter... and stickier.

I'm not going to feel bad about this bucket list item either: I wanted to try stand up comedy this year. I can still work on a script... But no deadlines. A goal without a deadline is just a wish. I want it to be more than that sooooo... yeah, I'll defer that to next year. Besides, I have years and years ahead of me (knock wood).

Just a Sad, Lonesome, Pained Bark

I feel like...

A middle aged sea lion covered in battle scars, recently bit, stranded on a rock in the middle of a grey choppy sea, slowly bleeding out, just out of reach being circled by slow moving orca who occasionally test my proximity whilst I sing my whale song.  Only I'm not a whale so there's no harmony to it; just a sad, lonesome, pained bark from a middle aged sea lion.

No worries - there are no orca (or wolves for that matter) nipping at me.

Hey, you know what another name for orca is (besides killer whale, which is untrue; they are a member of the dolphin family, not whales)?
Sea wolves.  Just sayin'.

And I'm not alone based on all the encouragement from friends, family, medical staff and the over abundance of the kindness of strangers that got me through the day.

I knew today was going to be hard - so hard.  I knew it was going to be painful - I was prepared.  I knew today was going to be long.  It was magical bubblegum flavoured unicorn juice day.

I'd fallen about 36 hours previously and hurt myself BAD.  My outer hip is bruised up, my inner thigh muscles from groin to knee are torn up and my mid to lower back is twisted up.  When I sit or stand and am motionless there is zero pain.  However being motionless causes everything to lock up, which is OK when I have nowhere to go, but that's rarely the case.  The first few steps are always excruciating (8-9/10 pain) as I break through that stiffness.  It doesn't get much better.

So I taxi it to the hospital because I wasn't keen on being dropped off at 6am by the man who had to go to work and waiting the 3 hours before my blood appointment.

From curb to hospital is about 20 ft.  4 steps, rest, pant... I can do this.  4 steps, rest, pant... are you kidding?  Did the doors just get farther away?  4 steps, rest, pant... you are not allowed to cry!  Stop resting!  It only makes starting harder.  I was rescued by Steve, a switch board operator, who dashed in, found me a wheel chair and took me to blood.  The kindness of strangers!

I'm not accustomed to getting help.  This felt good and weird.  It also felt weird when the blood nurse rolled me into the tapping room and out again.  That was easy.  I love when experienced nurses go after my well protected veins.  Now that I was done with blood I had to get down to the first floor, check in and back up to this same second floor to let them know I was checked in so when the blood results were in I could do triage... including mentioning my fall.  BUT... here I was trapped in this ridiculous wheel chair - a chair with wheels but requires a 2nd person to push you around.

If I put my mind to it I can do it.  I can walk to the other side of the hospital and fetch a proper chair since I was alone and would have to be able to get myself about all day.  But first a visit to the loo which is on the way because I wasn't dealing with any last minute accidents when my brain finally kicks in and says, "umm, you need to pee NOW."  Thanks for the heads up brain.

From the blood unit to the loo is straight down the hall, with frequent stretches of wall mounted railing for the 3 point contact that makes walking easier, the distance is about 100 ft.  This took me over 20 minutes to struggle towards.  Good call on the stop at the stop and pee notion!

In that period of time at least 3 ladies were so horrified by the pained expression on my face that they had organized a "lets get her a chair NOW" party.  There was a functional mobility one left outside the door for me when I was done.  WOO-HOO!  Just call me speedy!  Thank you, kindness of strangers!

Being in a chair is weird.  People give you a lot of room and try to accommodate you a lot more because "handicapped".  Even the Second Cup lady was like, "can I add the cream n' sugar for you?"  What?!  Good service from this kiosk?!  Well, OK then!  Also, being able to sit through my day, the pain was wiped from my face and replaced with good humour.  My face really is a clear slate on which my thoughts and feelings are projected.  I managed to joke with a few people about my first day with the new wheels and I could tell that made their day easier too because no one is hanging out in the cancer ward just for kicks.

Being in a chair is fun... at first.  By the end of the day it was just tiring.  Nothing compared to the exhaustion I would have experienced had I not had the chair, but just the same.  At least I was getting good at steering, rotating, backing up... ok, not so good at the back up.  It's not quite mirror opposite but somewhere in between.

So I reported the fall in triage, who reported to my oncologist, who wanted me down there for an assessment, who requisitioned an x-ray, who then sent me back down for chemo.

I had to stand for triage.  "Are you sure we can't go on last weeks reads?  Nothing's changed really," I begged.  "Please. The pharmacist will want to know for sure."  Up on the scale I go and it's bang on the same read.  I sat back down - whew.

I had to stand for assessment.  Standing up is tough, standing still is easy.  My Dr. figured not broken, but just in case, lets have a look.  I sat back down - whew.

I had to stand for x-rays.  And climb onto one of their horrible beds.  And twist just so.  That took about 20 minutes and then I had to climb back off.  Why the hell don't these beds come with hand grips or rails or some sort of pulley system where you can leverage yourself up and down?  I sat back down - whew.

I had to stand in chemo.  And climb into one of their designated drip chairs, which are surprisingly comfortable.  The nurse was great too.  She knew how to tap my sneaky veins and we joked for a bit about how the Benadryl would knock me out (expect snoring) which she appreciated since most people who come through chemo aren't there for kicks.

My drip comes in 4 separate bags: steroid, meds, Benadryl, saline flush.  The Benadryl gets me every time - out cold!  I keep trying to fight the zzzzzees but it's an impossible battle.  The flush helps a bit to wake me back up, but really, I could just sleep forever.  It's times like this I wish the man were here just to whisk me home and put me to bed.  But he has to work.  And there's things I gotta do too.  Like get drugs and call a taxi.

Stopped at the pharmacy to drop of script and had about 45 minute wait, so I booked over to the gift shop (Weeeeeee!   Wheels!) per usual to kill time.  Most of the shops racks are arranged with lots of room to get a chair around in.  Most of the shoppers are extremely courteous of people in chairs.

I almost bought a $5.99 coil bound watercolour block with hot press paper.  Yeah, because that's what I need - more hoarded art supplies and something more to lug around today.  I suspect this book will be there for my next visit when I have more mobility.  People don't recognize gold when they see it.

There are some lovely coffee cups in the shop now too with Van Gogh paintings on them.  I think I'll spoil myself with one before Christmas.  Now which do I love the most?  Every Van Gogh is so different and yet so him.  Irises?   Sunflowers?  Starry night?  His work, while looking nothing like my own, may be why I can paint impressionism so well.  It's about just putting down the paint and accepting that the brush and medium are telling a story.  You can't force it.

I had to laugh this one time: I did a nature mural for a sister-in-law that included a heron flying across her lake.  From a distance she was in awe at it's perfectionism.  She climbed up on the scaffolding with her fancy camera, zoomed in and was shocked.  "There are only 3 brush strokes!  What a rip off!  How can you paint something so perfect with only 3 brush strokes!"  Me rubbing knuckles on chest.  "Yup."

So I got my drugs.  Now to wheel all the way to the other side of the hospital... (again) to hail a cab - or call for.  The guys dropping off are not allowed to pick up.  Every cab at the hospital must be a requisition coming and going.  There's no piracy here.  It's a privilege for them to be allowed to transport the unwell.

"*Please send a taxi to the ambulatory, cancer side of the hospital.  And this is important - send a car, NOT a van.  No vans.  I can't get in and out of vans.*"

The chap went to the main entrance, circled a few times and left because I was nowhere to be found.  I got a text messages saying why my ride was not showing up.  Finally - a good excuse for these silly auto text messages I get every time I dial them up!  I called back immediately and reminded them that I had requested the ambulatory doors on the opposite side of the building.

A van pulled up.  Grr.  Oh well, I NEEDED to be home.  FAST.  So much pain.

I did get to sit in the front seat so I didn't have to crawl through the back to reach a seat.  Alas, the seats are just above hip height on me which means a hop up.  I'm not much of a hopper these days.  Also, I'm entering the van with my torn up leg side first which I have to manually leverage in, never mind manually leveraging leg number 2 in which took me a few tries to get tucked in so I could close the door.  And it's a bucket seat.  Yeah, new, padded, conforming comfort... that I'm stuck in.  I can't slide into a comfortable position or slide out for that matter.  I was hoping I could just turn and drop out of the van when I got home but no.  Even that required a lot of manual lifting, prying, more tearing... When the customer says NO VANS they mean it!  Van taxis suck ass!  Besides, 99% of the time, who needs all that space?!  Who the hell is booking around with 5 other friends all the time that you need a van?

OK - now the worst part of my day.  That epic journey from the front of my building to the apartment.

My stride with cane is about 3" and very shaky.  Pulling my left leg forward is so very painful!  10/10 pain that I'm scowling through but I'm not going to cry.  The cab driver helped me through the first set of doors.

The next set of doors is locked, which I got open, but I can't get through because it's heavy and leaning on me and my shoulder bag weighs a ton!  A tenant comes to my rescue and holds the elevator for me.  It takes 10 minutes to get from the front door to inside the elevator where I have to stop, turn, rest, wait... I'm alone.  I can swear and cry because I know how much it's going to hurt when I have to start again.

It takes too long for me to inch through the open doors and they elevator doors smack me twice as I try to escape.

From the elevator to my apartment door is 10 feet...  With 2" shuffling strides that's another 10 painful minutes.  I can hear myself crying out with every step, weird whale songs, curse words and sobs.

My own apartment door weighs a ton and automatically closes.  It too leans on me heavily and I can't get through it with my shoulder bag, cane and one mis-step where I've put too much weight on my bad leg and am having trouble pulling  my right leg forward to catch up.  I have to throw everything down and just deal with my body.  The shoulder bag is down - I'll need to push it ahead of myself because there are drugs inside that I need.  The keys I throw to the floor strategically under the key rack.  Easy enough to find again when I need them next.  My get my flip-flops off and my swollen feet thank me.

Fuck my fucking life I dropped the cane too.  I missed the door knob and it now lays on the floor.  I can't get to the couch without it.  Mind over matter, I manage the deep bend to fetch it.

There's another 8 ft between me and the couch - 5 minutes of shuffling and screaming cuss-words with that goal in mind.  Another 10 minutes to get my ass on it, to turn, to pull my legs up and lay down.  The cane also comes in handy as a crook to hook around my feet so I can pull my legs up.  I couldn't have moved them on my own.  I was near paralyzed with pain.

There's that weird whale song again as I scream hard and loud into a pillow so as not to traumatize my neighbours any more than I have to.  I know they can hear me in the hall.  I hear them.  It's the dinner hour and they have kids and spouses they have to comfort because their neighbour is in so much pain.

It wasn't long before I passed out.

And here I am.  I woke at midnight, long before the brain said, "you have to pee NOW" so I tested the legs.  No pain at all while still.  I had to be very, very careful with the strides... only 6-7/10 pain moving forward; some times only a 3/10.  And back to the couch to document all this before it escapes my mind.

Pain is a weird thing.  In the moment it's 100% real and debilitating.  A few days from now the memory of it will begin to fade.  A few months form now it will be a fairytale about how bad things used to be.  I only remember how bad it was because of these posts; to go back and read them, it's almost heart breaking that someone experienced that.  But it was real.  Plus, every pain is different.

At the townhouse I was made of glass and splintering wood.  I was shattered and it took my breath away.  2 years ago I was trapped in a rusted iron maiden while impaled by knives and crowbars.  This time I'm simply torn and seized up - not so simple.  There's no telling which sensation was worse.  All I know is that I'm taking a lot more medication to control it these days (including natural ones), desperately seeking some "Quality of Life" - the go-to catchphrase for most medical professionals... and now me.

What I really need now is time to rest and heal.  Time to relax.  Stop putting pressure on myself to get on with life.  This is it.  This is life.  And it is getting better, just so long as I don't rush it along.  Not that I was trying too.  I fell.  It was an accident.  I simply didn't have a leg to stand on and that's no one's fault.

- - - - -

Bonus (because I really don't like confrontation), I didn't have to step up and bail on the teaching job myself - the nice lady who put me in touch with the opportunity handled that for me.  I should man-up (I know, right?  so not PC) and do the right thing by also reaching out and apologizing for not being able to live up to my responsibility.

I know - I'm not responsible for being hurt/ill.  Sucks when you realize you haven't a leg to stand on.  This usually happens when you're already half way down! It's totally a Canadian thing to be apologetic for that which you cannot control.  Whatever makes you and them happy.

Start Blogging Again

I stopped using this blog when I was all done the chemo and radiation the first time around, but it might be time to start utilizing it again.  A place to vent, a place to express, a place just to get the words out.

Words like pain, hurts, ache...

Yep, last year I think, time just keeps passing... No wait, 2015?  Was that when I was re-diagnosed?  I was working on a mural downtown Toronto when I bent, lifted, twisted and totally messed up my back.  It was late summer.  I had my 4 year all-clean check up coming up but kept postponing the appointment because my back hurt so much for so long.  I had spent weeks laying on the floor trying to rock my spine back into alignment to no avail.  Screw it... back pain or not, I wanted my all clean.

Well guess what.  Back pain is a serious symptom of stage 4 breast cancer.  Who knew?!

Turns out the little buggers came back and made themselves at home all along my spine, in my hips, and apparently in my jaw (although I don't notice any ache there).

We tried a different hormone... the hormone did no good.

Next step - total infertility and chemo for the rest of my life.  As long as they were radiating the masses that were causing so much pressure in my back, they zapped off my ovaries which put me instantly into menopause and qualified me for the oral chemo.

That stuff works.  But it's hard on your body.  I especially suffer from chemo poisoning of the feet - red, dry, cracked, peeling... walking on Legos made of lava.  Not fun.

Life expectancy.  Hell if I know.  Could be 3-4 years, could be 10-20.  I keep exaggerating the deadline because you never know, there could be improvements in medicine.  Could be that I'm just a tough old broad who refuses to die.

OK, so let's say it was Sept 15 that I was re-diagnosed... And it's Feb 17... That's 15 months I've been living like this.  Dammit!  I was supposed to be a success story!!!!  (Or maybe I am and just don't know it.)

I think I will start using this blog a lot more.  Several people have said I should write a book because of my positive outlook.  My thoughts on that?  Geesh, if every one who ever got cancer and wanted to share there experience in a book wrote one, man, that's a lot of downer reading.  Who am I to say what it's like and what to expect.  I've done my utmost best just to keep it on a need to know basis.

Like last fall when I'm doing a check up and my hospital sherpa mentions, "you have stage 4 cancer" and I was like, "WHAAAAAAT?!"  I just thought it was a recurring cancer.  Deny, deny, deny...
(PS: Stage 5 is you're dead, so that kind of through me for a loop.)

So how's ur health now ?

Better I suppose. Had my first bone density treatment on Monday... that stuff knocks you on your ass. It's supposed to be flu like symptoms...I basically slept for 48 hours.

I have a head ache today. Too much beer and up too late last night. I'm thinking the too much is related to the medicine on Monday because it wasn't excessive.

Re-diagnosed... I've been celebrating being post breast cancer going on 4 years. Not no more. It's back. But it's moved to my back. Apparently breast cancer cells like bone tissue and the spine is a lovely warm place with lots of blood flow to make the little buggers feel safe an cozy.

The bitch of the mater is, now that it's back it's never going to be eradicated. It can be managed... but for how long is anyone's guess. I start radiation on the 24 to help shrink some of the masses, there by giving me better mobility and less daily ... it's not really pain. But it is an ever present discomfort.

I'm just peachy.

I know... It's a boat load to ingest. There just is no nice way to sneak the Cword into a conversation. So if I come across as prickly sometimes... well, it's because I am. And I have a right to be. The last time I went through this it was with the intention of never having to deal with it again. A year of chemo and d radiation and shots and what not... That was tough stuff and I sailed through it with a smile on my face like nothing was the matter. It was more important that everyone else feel ok because it wasn't the end of the world. This time it's a bit tougher. I could have a few years left or many. We just don't know. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not going to ever know what it's like to be an 80 year old woman.

I'm still processing.

Hot Flashes Are NOT Fun

I was rather hoping they'd be long gone by now, it's been 5 months since radiation was done.

What's a hot flash like? Well let me tell you...

It's this huge wave of heat that crashes over you. At first you don't feel hot. In fact your limbs can be little blocks of ice, so cold that the feet feel like they are burning with frost bite. Then suddenly the body begins to go into "too hot" panic mode and all your cells start vibrating at once and sweat burst from every available pore on your body. You don't know hot n' sweaty until you've felt your shins gush (so weird).

All you can do at this point is pant, make yourself as big as possible (maximizing your surface area for evaporation) and fan. It only last for about 5 minutes, but that's 5 minutes of gasping, choking heat that could just about make you throw up!

Hot flashes are always followed by a ridiculous chill. Now that you're covered from head to toe in a sheen of sweat there's no way of putting a halt to the bodies cooling system. It can take up to 1/2 an hour to regain a normal balanced temperature. But be ware, the moment you realized that you are comfortable, that's when the next hot flash will kick in! I spend all day either wrapped in a blanket or pulling on a sweater... or visa versa.

And it's not just by day - nights are crazy too. For the past couple of nights I've been waking every 2 hours tangled in my soaked night shirt and burning up. I'll just be drifting off again when I realized I'm shivering cold and can't get bundled tight enough.

I sure hope this ends soon.

Anniversary Party and Humility

Last night Wink hosted a dinner party celebrating my getting through a year of breast cancer drama. It was really nice.
Bobby and Avery. Michelle, Taylor, Madison and Jenna. Jim and Carol. Mike and Elsa. Jay, Shelly and Anna. Leslie, Eli and Paul. And me!



Bobby made cupcakes - enough pink ones to form a pink ribbon icon and a bunch that looked like boobies! Very entertaining. You can imagine the jokes that were going around as the last titty-cake was fought over.
I love the trophy Wink presented me! It's hysterical! A female body builder flexing her "guns".

Then Wink said, "Speech! Speech!" - Arg... I choked.

How do you make a speech for an occasion like that? What I really wanted to say was: "That it really was nothing. Anyone could have done it. It's not like I've done something great. And now it's time to get on with the rest of my life."

But I didn't. I gave that speech once before... At my high school graduation dinner:

"It really was nothing. Anyone could have done it. It's not like I've done something great. And now it's time to get on with the rest of my life." I was completely mortified by my own words when I looked around the table and realized that out of all the friends and family that had gathered to celebrate my achievement, no one else had graduated from high school. It hadn't occurred to me that not finishing school was an option or possibility. It hadn't occurred to me that it was a privilege or grand achievement.

I kind of feel the same way about this cancer thing. It was no big deal. I'm probably in denial about how serious the situation was, but in my mind the cancer that was in me was no more a threat than if the cancer had been outside of me. Like a mole gone arye, the doctors cut it out. Then I spent a few months under going treatments to prevent a recurrence.

Not doing the treatment was not an option. Surviving the treatment, though tough, was inevitable. Getting the treatment was a privilege but it doesn't feel like a grand achievement. It's hard to balance such a cavalier attitude with humility.

Wink has repeatedly told me that she's seen many cancer patients, but has never seen one go through what I did with such grace and positive attitude. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I never felt like a cancer patient. Someone who had a cancer, yes, but that was dealt with - problem solved.

What I do want to express is gratitude. Thank you everyone for all the words of support and loving thoughts.
This experience has really made it apparent to me how many lives I've touched. It makes me want to be a better person.

When I Was Ill

When I was ill I spent a lot of time laying on this couch staring at the walls and thinking, "If only I had the strength. Beige! I want my walls to be beige!" When your world gets turned upside down and there's not much you can do about it, you look or things you can control. One of those things that can be controlled is decor.

My main level was a mish-mash of colour. It had no cohesion. It felt as fractured as I did. The kitchen was dark hunter green, the living room was half asphalt gray behind the entertainment system and half canary yellow. The bathroom was blue, the entrance was pale peach and the office ivory.

I'm between jobs and finally have a block of free time where I feel great. I've been painting this week. After my last mural job I mixed together many many many miscellaneous cans of pinks, greens, yellows, blues, grays.... plus 1/2 a gallon of ocher and wound up with 2 1/2 gallons of milk chocolate. This I used to paint the front entrance, the wall behind the entertainment system and the back wall around the window. I added a couple quarts of very pale miss-tint to the mix to lighten up the brown for the rest of the living room.

Today I'm going to paint the kitchen. The back wall around the patio doors will be the original milk chocolate (yep, still have a 1/2 gallon or so reserved) and the rest will be a much lighter tan... at least 1/2 as much lighter as the lighter colour in the living room.

My living space is slowly becoming more cohesive. It makes me feel better. Happiness is a fresh gallon of paint!

Feeling Stuck

Ever feel paralyzed by all the stuff that comes your way? Too many projects, too many burdens, too little time... And I I can do is make a list and start checking things off. Well, at least that's one thing less to worry about.

Walking of the Sofa Pounds

Time to quit saying and start doing. I ache a lot and it has nothing to do with the treatments I've endured over the past Spring / Summer. In fact I'm back to 100%. That's 100% if prior to chemo I was a couch potato with zero muscle mass and rusted joints.

I started walking again on Tuesday. No point in easing into it. 2.73 mile = 4.39 km (I google mapped it - is it just me, or is this tool rather annoying?) I knew that if I immediately sat down and started to work on the computer that it would be the end of me. Everything would just get locked into place. Much stretching was in order.

I was pretty stiff yesterday too.

This morning I woke, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, at 7:00 so I thought I'd tackle that walk again. Not as difficult. I don't think I stretched enough so tomorrow might be another stiff day. But I did come back with enough energy to make a quick trip to a new animal hospital that is under construction next door and drop off a mural brochure. Then I walked to the mail box and back. Then I cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor. Then I watered my plants outside... don't know why I've been bothering with container plants for the past couple years. I'm not around enough to properly care for or enjoy them.

Pretty good start to a day.

Tore Myself a New One

Armpit that is. The range of motion required to swing a golf club is not covered by typical yoga stretches. The first few holes hurt a little. I tried to figure out what a half swing felt like, but I'm not one to shy away from the opportunity to murder a ball. By the 5th / 6th hole it felt more like a stretched bruise feeling. I'll be better tomorrow for what I endured today.

We only played 16 holes. Not bad considering a few years ago 12 used to be my limit before I was just wiped out from the game. I could play 18 but I would be dragging my butt for the last 5-6 holes. And I only played once last year. I wasn't exhausted when I came off the course today... Just tired of aching. And Paul was getting a little... disinterested with the game (How weird is that?!). I did get a par on one hole. That's something.

For me golf is not about the score at the end of the game. It's about that one fabulous drive that went for miles. That one amazing chip that hit the flag. That one 18 foot put that curved just a little to the right then paused briefly on the edge of the cup before draining. That's what makes golf great - not the fact that I totaled up the score card at the end and got 154.

I was pleased to see that some of the roses I had transplanted onto the golf course from the shadowy office window garden where they had been growing (or about to die) were thriving. I'm still miffed that the greens guys hacked my raspberries on 1 Legends.

Time to set my cowboy hat aside. I have enough hair now. I wore it on the golf course today and when I took it off I had the oddest hat head... a dent in the top of my scalp where the hair had conformed to the shape of the hat!

It Burns! It burns!

Hey, look. I have hair, my own eyebrows and eyelashes! Wink said that was pretty impressive because eyelashes don't always come back. WHAT!? I didn't even know that was a possibility! Eyelashes are essential.

My burn hurts so bad. I can barely stand to move at all. It hurts to touch and nothing feels good on, not even the air.
I have a sock tucked into my armpit just so I don't have to feel burnt skin touching raw skin.

It's been 3 days since my last zap and it just keeps getting worse and worse. You know how bad you imagine it would feel to grate your fingers, so you're usually really careful when using a grater? But now and then when you aren't paying attention and you do grate your fingers, it's not quite as bad as you imagined it would be. Well my skin feels far worse than what you would imagine grating your fingers would feel like.

The pain is bad enough that I can't sleep through the night. The hot flashes don't help any either.
This is not unlike what poison ivy feels like.

Managing Energy

Every 3-4 days I find myself full of energy. I take advantage of this strength by getting so many chores out of the way. It then takes 3-4 days to recover...hmmmm.
Almost finished the laundry, now to de-clutter the office.

2nd week of Radiation

All done chemo - that was finished up about 6 weeks ago. Had a brief rest in Grande Prairie on a girl friends farm just before radiation began. I didn't feel like I did a lot of healing but when I got home I was clearly stronger and faster. I'm almost done week 2 of radiation with no side effects yet. 8 down... 22 more to go.

Radiation isn't so scary. They have nice decor, the technicians are friendly and the actual procedure only takes a few minutes per day (Monday - Friday except holidays).

The nurse I spoke with today asked what kind of drugs the Dr had me on... none. She was surprised. I told her how Dr Higgins had described my chemo as very aggressive (nasty stuff) let me have 5 weeks off instead of 4 between chemo and radiation. And my hormone replacement therapy (HRT) wouldn't start until a couple weeks after radiation.

I guess those were nasty drugs because normally radiation overlaps chemo or HRT overlaps radiation. I'm getting them all one at a time.

Damaged nail beds are making a come back, I can feel my eyelashes and brows starting to come in and I have about 1 1/4" of hair again!

Weather's been smoking hot this week. With the humididex almost 50C every day! Thank goodness for AC.

Tired of the Weepy Eyes

I'm hoping this symptom will pass soon. It's been a few weeks and I'm getting tired of it.

Before my eyes were just watery all the time. But now it seems like the chemistry has change. My tears are thicker and sticky. And when I close my eyes for a while, the tears thicken into greeny eye boogers. Yuck. I haven't had eye snot since I was a kid.

When I wake in the morning my eyes are sometimes crusty but definitely blurry. I can't always see anything in them. It's like my tears have formed a transparent film over my irises that's fuzzy to look through. A couple eye drops help to break that up so I can see again. But then the watering starts and my poor eyelids are so rubbed red and swollen! Not a good look for me considering I don't have any lashes or brows. Getting tire of this alien look too!

Must remember to call Ester tomorrow at the hospital.

Went Painting

Sheep Painted Over Baby's Crib

I was a bit worried about how this project would go. Painting is a lot of work. I made it through though. I'm always amazed at the energy I get from painting. Once I get started it's like the act of painting is meditative. My mind my wander occasionally, but for the most part the only thing I am thinking about is the act of painting - selecting a colour, contrasts, steadying the hand for a perfect line.

This project took just over 5 hours (I had guessed 3 but obviously I'm not working at full speed.) I wasn't tired on the job site, but by the time I got home, I was exhausted. It was a lot of effort to remain standing in the shower. My legs felt like they weighed a ton! I spent the rest of the evening vegetating on the couch.

The customer was thrilled with the final project. "Better than I ever imagined it could be!"

That makes me happy.

Yay - Last Shot!

Yesterday was my last Nupagen shot. Thank goodness! I'm tired of being tired.

And this tongue thing has got to go. I've been chewing cinnamon gum to cleans my mouth during the day. It burns a bit at the best of times but my last stick actually singed the right side of my tongue!

They had warned me not to use mouth wash with alcohol all along. I've been sneaking it now and then when I felt like I really just needed a good rinse and it never bothered me before... until last night. Again, scorched the front half of my tongue!

It's Saturday. The sun is shining. Its gorgeous out. And yet, every time I get off the couch it takes roughly 90 seconds to find my way back. Soon. Soon my strength will return. I sure hope so.

Waves of Wellness

And not so well.
For the past 2 days I've barely had the strength to get up. I loose my breath with much effort. And sometimes that effort is sitting up. Then suddenly last night my colour came back, my sense of humor returned and my brain fog lifted!... I could focus! (naturally I spent that time catching up on work).

This morning illness was back. And today's weakness and fevers are also accompanied by back spasms. Some of those back pains are wrapping around to the front and giving me chest pains too. I don't like that. It is not a heart attack.

I think my kidneys are suffering. Prior to my feeling good, when I would pee it was pale, with a tint of green and frothy. Seriously. It was like passing warm soda pop. I had been drinking a lot; best to flush the poisons through. Just before the feeling good started I went to the bathroom and it was concentrated like morning pee. Almost like a damn broke in me and the toxins came pouring out.
Or maybe I just hadn't used the facilities in many hours and it means nothing.

I really need to go to the bathroom (#2), My insides are asleep. I took another Dolcolax tonight. I do not like messing with digestive medicines. There's always a price to pay. But I'm so bloated. I can't eat regularly because the pressure in my stomach pushes against my diaphragm and makes breathing harder.

The Sun is Taunting Me

It occurred to me that I haven't included an image in a while. Previously, I thought I looked curious, but good. Since my eye lashes and eye browse have fallen out... no so much. So I'm distracting you with a shot of my rock wall and a few flowers!

My eyes are too puffy and squinty. I have the "moon face" the doctors said I'd get. I can't see my ears behind my huge face.
My hair is coming in! I have a good 1/2" all over... Too bad there's a 1/4" spacing of all the hair that's come in. That's just wrong.

The dappled light from the morning sun in the back yard is having a little celebration. It's like, "yay, the day has just begun and it's going to be a glorious, hot, summer-like day!"

Yesterday was also a perfect summer-like day. The kind of day when you stop fussing about, have a seat in the back yard and crack a very cold beer in the heat... and that first crisp, refreshing swig... oh ya, you know what I'm talking about. The kind of experience I didn't have yesterday because I felt horrible and my mouth chemistry is all wrong. The beer would have been all sour and metallic.

I can't taste a lot of things - mostly I go by texture. Straight up sugar and tomato seem to be able to cut their way through to my taste buds, but you can't go on eating for ever. Thank goodness it's finally Freezie season! I can taste that little bit of sugar and the cold helps my tongue and finger tips. For the last round of chemo I sent Paul on a Freezie hunting mission and there were none to be found in Mississauga.

I'm waffling about work. I need to work but do I need to go in? Maybe Laura still has a bug and it would be ill advised.

Just had breakfast - a bagel with raspberry jam. Took 2 bites and decided it would be far easier to lay down and eat. That's not a good sign.

My knees and back ache, my tongue burns, my eyes feel goopy. I'm going to loose my left index fingernail. It's 75% air pocket where there should be a nail bed. I have a band aid on so I don't accidentally tear it off. It doesn't hurt too much but there's a dull ache when I apply pressure.

8:30 am - I could at least put some clothes on so that I am prepared to go in to the office. I wouldn't leave until 9:15 any how.
8:45 am - ok, going to dress now. Besides, this face... oh boy! needs work!
9:00 am - Laura called: chicken pox, diarrhea, throwing up... her house hold is a mess! Looks like I'm working from home.

Ug - I Don't Recall It

... Being this bad. The mind has a great ability to forget the bad stuff after it's passed. I forgot about the aching joints, the swollen, burning feeling in my mouth, the tummy ache, the exhaustion...

I was doing so well all weekend. I really felt like a normal human being for a while. I wanted to go to work tomorrow. I'll have to see what tomorrow brings.

Wish we had some ice cream.

Last Chemo - Day 3

Yay - last round! All up up hill from here! (or is it down hill?) The one that means easy going/getting better every day.

I did get my flower pots planted Friday afternoon. I got some yellow red marigolds, fuchsia petunias, lime green nicotina, red shade inpatients, white alyssum, a peach begonia and a red gerber daisy. I opted for lots of pretty colours instead of a theme this year. Also tried planting lettuce and spinach in a hanging shoe bag for a vertical garden. Saw that in an "Instructables" post and thought I'd give it a try. Dollar store project - no great loss if it doesn't work out.

Shelly delivered flowers from the boobs-in-laws yesterday. We had a nice long visit and drank about 4 cups of coffee each. That was nice. Just what I needed - a caffine buzz on top of the Benadyl.

I had so much energy yesterday! My house is clean! Only got 3 checks off my to-do list of 20... So much to catch up on, such a small window of IV Benandryl induced strength. I dusted, I vacuumed and mopped, I scrubbed both bathrooms, all the laundry is washed and put away, I cleaned my closet.

I found my missing camera cable for my computer! That's been bugging me for about a month.

Today I tackle "the table!" It's a massive heap of receipts, bills that need filing, notes, promo material, turned out purse brick-a-brack... tax stuff!!! That space gets so out of control so fast. Need a better storage/temporary filing system. Need to sty on top of it. Also - the scary spaces under the bathroom sink. Too many bottles and tubes... And hair accessories! What's with that? I haven't worn a pony or a clip in many months and yet I'm constantly stumbling across them... Paul!

Then I want to make art. I have some barely started canvases sitting upstairs in my studio that I want to play with. I think I want to have a show this year. And for that I need to produce something. I also want to do some caricatures. Something people can easily recognize, something marketable like, "look what I can do for you." I keep calling myself an artist but I don't feel like I'm acting the part.

Side effects: today my eyes are a little more weepy and my throat is beginning to deteriorate again which means the bad taste is coming - definitely one of the more annoying side effects. Probably because it lasts so long. Only had 2-3 hot flashes last night. There were none the day before and that was nice! Index finger on my left had is for sure going to loose the nail. The bed has been reduced to a 1/3. I have a tight band aid on so I don't see of feel it, but it's inevitable. Yuck - finger wounds! Gross!