Just a Sad, Lonesome, Pained Bark

I feel like...

A middle aged sea lion covered in battle scars, recently bit, stranded on a rock in the middle of a grey choppy sea, slowly bleeding out, just out of reach being circled by slow moving orca who occasionally test my proximity whilst I sing my whale song.  Only I'm not a whale so there's no harmony to it; just a sad, lonesome, pained bark from a middle aged sea lion.

No worries - there are no orca (or wolves for that matter) nipping at me.

Hey, you know what another name for orca is (besides killer whale, which is untrue; they are a member of the dolphin family, not whales)?
Sea wolves.  Just sayin'.

And I'm not alone based on all the encouragement from friends, family, medical staff and the over abundance of the kindness of strangers that got me through the day.

I knew today was going to be hard - so hard.  I knew it was going to be painful - I was prepared.  I knew today was going to be long.  It was magical bubblegum flavoured unicorn juice day.

I'd fallen about 36 hours previously and hurt myself BAD.  My outer hip is bruised up, my inner thigh muscles from groin to knee are torn up and my mid to lower back is twisted up.  When I sit or stand and am motionless there is zero pain.  However being motionless causes everything to lock up, which is OK when I have nowhere to go, but that's rarely the case.  The first few steps are always excruciating (8-9/10 pain) as I break through that stiffness.  It doesn't get much better.

So I taxi it to the hospital because I wasn't keen on being dropped off at 6am by the man who had to go to work and waiting the 3 hours before my blood appointment.

From curb to hospital is about 20 ft.  4 steps, rest, pant... I can do this.  4 steps, rest, pant... are you kidding?  Did the doors just get farther away?  4 steps, rest, pant... you are not allowed to cry!  Stop resting!  It only makes starting harder.  I was rescued by Steve, a switch board operator, who dashed in, found me a wheel chair and took me to blood.  The kindness of strangers!

I'm not accustomed to getting help.  This felt good and weird.  It also felt weird when the blood nurse rolled me into the tapping room and out again.  That was easy.  I love when experienced nurses go after my well protected veins.  Now that I was done with blood I had to get down to the first floor, check in and back up to this same second floor to let them know I was checked in so when the blood results were in I could do triage... including mentioning my fall.  BUT... here I was trapped in this ridiculous wheel chair - a chair with wheels but requires a 2nd person to push you around.

If I put my mind to it I can do it.  I can walk to the other side of the hospital and fetch a proper chair since I was alone and would have to be able to get myself about all day.  But first a visit to the loo which is on the way because I wasn't dealing with any last minute accidents when my brain finally kicks in and says, "umm, you need to pee NOW."  Thanks for the heads up brain.

From the blood unit to the loo is straight down the hall, with frequent stretches of wall mounted railing for the 3 point contact that makes walking easier, the distance is about 100 ft.  This took me over 20 minutes to struggle towards.  Good call on the stop at the stop and pee notion!

In that period of time at least 3 ladies were so horrified by the pained expression on my face that they had organized a "lets get her a chair NOW" party.  There was a functional mobility one left outside the door for me when I was done.  WOO-HOO!  Just call me speedy!  Thank you, kindness of strangers!

Being in a chair is weird.  People give you a lot of room and try to accommodate you a lot more because "handicapped".  Even the Second Cup lady was like, "can I add the cream n' sugar for you?"  What?!  Good service from this kiosk?!  Well, OK then!  Also, being able to sit through my day, the pain was wiped from my face and replaced with good humour.  My face really is a clear slate on which my thoughts and feelings are projected.  I managed to joke with a few people about my first day with the new wheels and I could tell that made their day easier too because no one is hanging out in the cancer ward just for kicks.

Being in a chair is fun... at first.  By the end of the day it was just tiring.  Nothing compared to the exhaustion I would have experienced had I not had the chair, but just the same.  At least I was getting good at steering, rotating, backing up... ok, not so good at the back up.  It's not quite mirror opposite but somewhere in between.

So I reported the fall in triage, who reported to my oncologist, who wanted me down there for an assessment, who requisitioned an x-ray, who then sent me back down for chemo.

I had to stand for triage.  "Are you sure we can't go on last weeks reads?  Nothing's changed really," I begged.  "Please. The pharmacist will want to know for sure."  Up on the scale I go and it's bang on the same read.  I sat back down - whew.

I had to stand for assessment.  Standing up is tough, standing still is easy.  My Dr. figured not broken, but just in case, lets have a look.  I sat back down - whew.

I had to stand for x-rays.  And climb onto one of their horrible beds.  And twist just so.  That took about 20 minutes and then I had to climb back off.  Why the hell don't these beds come with hand grips or rails or some sort of pulley system where you can leverage yourself up and down?  I sat back down - whew.

I had to stand in chemo.  And climb into one of their designated drip chairs, which are surprisingly comfortable.  The nurse was great too.  She knew how to tap my sneaky veins and we joked for a bit about how the Benadryl would knock me out (expect snoring) which she appreciated since most people who come through chemo aren't there for kicks.

My drip comes in 4 separate bags: steroid, meds, Benadryl, saline flush.  The Benadryl gets me every time - out cold!  I keep trying to fight the zzzzzees but it's an impossible battle.  The flush helps a bit to wake me back up, but really, I could just sleep forever.  It's times like this I wish the man were here just to whisk me home and put me to bed.  But he has to work.  And there's things I gotta do too.  Like get drugs and call a taxi.

Stopped at the pharmacy to drop of script and had about 45 minute wait, so I booked over to the gift shop (Weeeeeee!   Wheels!) per usual to kill time.  Most of the shops racks are arranged with lots of room to get a chair around in.  Most of the shoppers are extremely courteous of people in chairs.

I almost bought a $5.99 coil bound watercolour block with hot press paper.  Yeah, because that's what I need - more hoarded art supplies and something more to lug around today.  I suspect this book will be there for my next visit when I have more mobility.  People don't recognize gold when they see it.

There are some lovely coffee cups in the shop now too with Van Gogh paintings on them.  I think I'll spoil myself with one before Christmas.  Now which do I love the most?  Every Van Gogh is so different and yet so him.  Irises?   Sunflowers?  Starry night?  His work, while looking nothing like my own, may be why I can paint impressionism so well.  It's about just putting down the paint and accepting that the brush and medium are telling a story.  You can't force it.

I had to laugh this one time: I did a nature mural for a sister-in-law that included a heron flying across her lake.  From a distance she was in awe at it's perfectionism.  She climbed up on the scaffolding with her fancy camera, zoomed in and was shocked.  "There are only 3 brush strokes!  What a rip off!  How can you paint something so perfect with only 3 brush strokes!"  Me rubbing knuckles on chest.  "Yup."

So I got my drugs.  Now to wheel all the way to the other side of the hospital... (again) to hail a cab - or call for.  The guys dropping off are not allowed to pick up.  Every cab at the hospital must be a requisition coming and going.  There's no piracy here.  It's a privilege for them to be allowed to transport the unwell.

"*Please send a taxi to the ambulatory, cancer side of the hospital.  And this is important - send a car, NOT a van.  No vans.  I can't get in and out of vans.*"

The chap went to the main entrance, circled a few times and left because I was nowhere to be found.  I got a text messages saying why my ride was not showing up.  Finally - a good excuse for these silly auto text messages I get every time I dial them up!  I called back immediately and reminded them that I had requested the ambulatory doors on the opposite side of the building.

A van pulled up.  Grr.  Oh well, I NEEDED to be home.  FAST.  So much pain.

I did get to sit in the front seat so I didn't have to crawl through the back to reach a seat.  Alas, the seats are just above hip height on me which means a hop up.  I'm not much of a hopper these days.  Also, I'm entering the van with my torn up leg side first which I have to manually leverage in, never mind manually leveraging leg number 2 in which took me a few tries to get tucked in so I could close the door.  And it's a bucket seat.  Yeah, new, padded, conforming comfort... that I'm stuck in.  I can't slide into a comfortable position or slide out for that matter.  I was hoping I could just turn and drop out of the van when I got home but no.  Even that required a lot of manual lifting, prying, more tearing... When the customer says NO VANS they mean it!  Van taxis suck ass!  Besides, 99% of the time, who needs all that space?!  Who the hell is booking around with 5 other friends all the time that you need a van?

OK - now the worst part of my day.  That epic journey from the front of my building to the apartment.

My stride with cane is about 3" and very shaky.  Pulling my left leg forward is so very painful!  10/10 pain that I'm scowling through but I'm not going to cry.  The cab driver helped me through the first set of doors.

The next set of doors is locked, which I got open, but I can't get through because it's heavy and leaning on me and my shoulder bag weighs a ton!  A tenant comes to my rescue and holds the elevator for me.  It takes 10 minutes to get from the front door to inside the elevator where I have to stop, turn, rest, wait... I'm alone.  I can swear and cry because I know how much it's going to hurt when I have to start again.

It takes too long for me to inch through the open doors and they elevator doors smack me twice as I try to escape.

From the elevator to my apartment door is 10 feet...  With 2" shuffling strides that's another 10 painful minutes.  I can hear myself crying out with every step, weird whale songs, curse words and sobs.

My own apartment door weighs a ton and automatically closes.  It too leans on me heavily and I can't get through it with my shoulder bag, cane and one mis-step where I've put too much weight on my bad leg and am having trouble pulling  my right leg forward to catch up.  I have to throw everything down and just deal with my body.  The shoulder bag is down - I'll need to push it ahead of myself because there are drugs inside that I need.  The keys I throw to the floor strategically under the key rack.  Easy enough to find again when I need them next.  My get my flip-flops off and my swollen feet thank me.

Fuck my fucking life I dropped the cane too.  I missed the door knob and it now lays on the floor.  I can't get to the couch without it.  Mind over matter, I manage the deep bend to fetch it.

There's another 8 ft between me and the couch - 5 minutes of shuffling and screaming cuss-words with that goal in mind.  Another 10 minutes to get my ass on it, to turn, to pull my legs up and lay down.  The cane also comes in handy as a crook to hook around my feet so I can pull my legs up.  I couldn't have moved them on my own.  I was near paralyzed with pain.

There's that weird whale song again as I scream hard and loud into a pillow so as not to traumatize my neighbours any more than I have to.  I know they can hear me in the hall.  I hear them.  It's the dinner hour and they have kids and spouses they have to comfort because their neighbour is in so much pain.

It wasn't long before I passed out.

And here I am.  I woke at midnight, long before the brain said, "you have to pee NOW" so I tested the legs.  No pain at all while still.  I had to be very, very careful with the strides... only 6-7/10 pain moving forward; some times only a 3/10.  And back to the couch to document all this before it escapes my mind.

Pain is a weird thing.  In the moment it's 100% real and debilitating.  A few days from now the memory of it will begin to fade.  A few months form now it will be a fairytale about how bad things used to be.  I only remember how bad it was because of these posts; to go back and read them, it's almost heart breaking that someone experienced that.  But it was real.  Plus, every pain is different.

At the townhouse I was made of glass and splintering wood.  I was shattered and it took my breath away.  2 years ago I was trapped in a rusted iron maiden while impaled by knives and crowbars.  This time I'm simply torn and seized up - not so simple.  There's no telling which sensation was worse.  All I know is that I'm taking a lot more medication to control it these days (including natural ones), desperately seeking some "Quality of Life" - the go-to catchphrase for most medical professionals... and now me.

What I really need now is time to rest and heal.  Time to relax.  Stop putting pressure on myself to get on with life.  This is it.  This is life.  And it is getting better, just so long as I don't rush it along.  Not that I was trying too.  I fell.  It was an accident.  I simply didn't have a leg to stand on and that's no one's fault.

- - - - -

Bonus (because I really don't like confrontation), I didn't have to step up and bail on the teaching job myself - the nice lady who put me in touch with the opportunity handled that for me.  I should man-up (I know, right?  so not PC) and do the right thing by also reaching out and apologizing for not being able to live up to my responsibility.

I know - I'm not responsible for being hurt/ill.  Sucks when you realize you haven't a leg to stand on.  This usually happens when you're already half way down! It's totally a Canadian thing to be apologetic for that which you cannot control.  Whatever makes you and them happy.

6 Month Check-Up

Yay! All clear!

The Dr said he liked my hair style... I'll bet he says that to all the girls.

Done with the Big Gun!

Yay! No more full blast radiation treatments! They really aren't that bad. It's the consequential burn that sucks. I have 5 more boosts and then I'm all done! (With the exception of all the follow up poking and prodding.) The boosts should be easy enough. They are targeting the scar location only and my breast hasn't been nearly as damaged as my under arm and under breast areas.

Only 1 More Week's Worth!

As of tonight there are only 7 more radiation treatments! And 5 of those are just a localized boost. No more torturing my underarm and underboob!

This afternoon after my shower i made the mistake of putting a tiny bit of baby powder under my breast. I was just soooo tired of feeling wet and yucky. Big mistake. All that loose wet skin dried instantly and split. A patch about the size of large flattened marshmallow peeled off, just like that!... Get the polysporin.

I'm very tired. But that's probably because I was up until 3:30am doing a web project and then got up again at 7:30 to go painting. Actually, I didn't get out of the house until 9:00. Still put in 5 hours at the school today. I get tomorrow off. The janitors are waxing the floors and I won't be able to walk on them until Friday. Yay! Day off!

How's the Radiation Going?

Not a lot to blog about if there's not a lot to complain about! :-)

My eyebrow's are 3/4 back. Most of them have sprouted but they need a bit more length.
My eyelashes are 1/2 grown in. I can feel them from left to right but they are only about 1/4 as long as they will be and very fine. Baby lashes.
My moon face has mostly gone away. I was looking a bit like a male orangutan.

Radiation:
The swelling is back. And I'm supposed to be massaging to help with drainage. But not too hard. It's not very comfortable.
There's a lot of reddening, especially under neath and under arm. My skin is getting thin. The nurse was insistent that I should be using cordizone cream / polysporin as well as the glaxol based cream.

Everytime they position me under the radiation thingy I'm reminded of the time I was using a microscope as a kid and zoomed in too close and cracked the slide. (That would be me about to be cracked!)

10 Rads Down

Only 20 more to go!
Soooooo itchy!!! Applying ointment thrice daily does not relieve the itch.

Yesterday's appointment was late by an hour and 20 minutes. The gentleman next to me (waiting for his wife) commented about the delays, to which I replied, "It would be so much better with a take a number system so that you could tell if you had time to grab a coffee or not. He immediately jumped up and offered to go get me one... and he wouldn't take my money! The kindness of strangers.

There's a 40ish looking woman who's appointment is often scheduled right around mine. So far our appointments have never been on time, so I get her frustration. But she WHINES!!!! Holy Cow! I just want to club her. Every time she opens her mouth this high pitched, cracklely, about to cry, oh-woaw-is-me noise comes out (it's not like she has a cold or anything!). She cries and makes a fuss every time - even when they are only running 15 minutes behind. Then when she's finished, she puts on her business suite and heads out the door like nothing happened.

Another reason to be grateful: I'm not her.

Must ask if I can start taking Glucosamine again. My knee is big time ow. Crawling around on the school floors doesn't help much either (painting gig).

Hey! My eyebrows are just beginning to fill in. And I have the tiny, tiniest little eye lashes you ever saw, or felt because most of them are invisible to the naked eye. If eyelashes really do grow back (are constantly growing) they WHY do I not ever get really long ones? So unfair that the prettiest lashes are reserved for boys.

I'm Fuzzy!

The hair's comin' back. I think my "moon face" is starting to recede too. I can see my ears!

NOTE: If you're putting false lashes on and you drop one vertically over your open eye, don't panic and squeeze your eyes shut! It makes it hard to find that set of lashes if you can't see them, glued to your eyeball and all. Stings a little.

First day back from vacation. Taking the day easy.

Had my first radiation treatment. It could not have been easier! They take you back into this room with a bed (more like a padded, narrow, re-positionable platform). There's a machine that rotates around the bed with a "camera" that looks like a metal serving tray and the radiation device (which reminded me of a big metal MixMaster without the beaters. Ok, so it looks nothing like a MixMaster). The techs line you up with the machine's cross-hairs, flick a switch then run from the room in terror (kidding - they exit calmly) and you're don in 60 seconds.

I have a chest cold. Coughing, chest congestion, gravelly voice that fades in and out... did I mention the coughing?

It's funny:
Chemo - easy
Cold - OH! WOAW-IS ME!!!!!

Missed Apt - I'm Such a Goof!!

I completely forgot about my appointment for a shot. The clinic called and said they were just closing up. CRUD! I had to go next door to the pharmacy and get some syringes and do it myself.

I did a pretty good job. Didn't spill a drop of Nupagen or blood. Painless! Still pretty gross and not something I'd like to do myself on a regular basis.

I'm such a duffus!

Yay - Last Chemo!

Today was my big day - last chemo! The doctor said I did extremely well. He used the term "very aggressive treatment". It really wasn't all that bad. Really. A couple days of couch surfing, a couple days of back spasms, sore toe nails, lack of energy... but not really feeling sick. And all things considered, it could have been way worse. What can I say - I'm super woman!

Grandma commented about how horrible the whole thing sounded. My fault. I've tried to keep these posts upbeat and positive. But I don't really feel the need to blog when I'm feeling good. Need something to complain about in order to write.

For my last day of chemo, both the blood test and the IV were virtually painless! Nice. Good way to end it. I did remember to take my Stemacil pill before chemo. Still got really twitchy but not 1/2 as bad as last time. That's a rough bit. Hand and foot spasms that occur erratically for about 45 minutes.

They have a bell in the chemo waiting area that you can ring if you want to announce "all done". I opted not to ring it. I really didn't want to make a big spectacle of the event. It's my personal journey. Really. What's the difference between ringing a big brass bell and making an ass of one's self, whooping and hollering? None I say. I'm celebrating on the inside.

Get to go on hormone replacement therapy after radiation. Testosterone: light cycles, hot flashes (already there!), facial hair... And I get to do that for 5 years! huh. Just when you think you're through.

Already have all my appointments booked for the Nupagen shots. Booked those on the last day of shots last time around. I waited until the first day of shots last round and couldn't get the same time slot twice. Booked full up. My shots are supposed to be spaced 24 hours apart.

As a thank you gift for the chemo doctor's kindness and generosity, Paul gave him a round of golf for 4 and I offered up my art services - any thing from murals to web design and anything in between.

Think I'll put o a sweater and mosey over to the grocery store for some potting mix and some flowers. It's time to garden - May long weekend.

Chemo Round 5 - Day 1

Every thing went fairly well. It always seems like there're going to be a lot of waiting around but we get shuffled through a lot of appointments pretty quick without feeling too rushed. Thats nice.

The blood taking nurse was awesome. In and out in 5 seconds flat and hardly felt a thing.

I get to have 5 weeks off before radiation so I can go visit Lorrie. Nice I need that! Got the ok for fight from both the radiation and the chemo doc. Altitude should not be an issue. The intern doc said that R&R was as important to healing as the medicines.

The radiation doc said I need to come in before my trip to get my custom beanbag pillow made up - holds me in the right place for repeat visits. Of which I get 30. (5 bonus rounds for having big-ones. He's also looking into getting me a "breast board so that everything dangles away from the body, minimizing bodily exposure. I really didn't enjoy the upside down balancing act I had to do in the MRI. I felt like I had to support my entire upper body weight on my sternum over a 5" square "padded" metal hoist for an hour. There was a lot of slow, deep concentrated breathing going on. Ow. I hope a breast board offers more support. And with my arms above my head rather than pinned next to my sides will feel better too.

The chemo doc said all my levels were looking really good. I was a bit worried. Not the night before, but the night before that, I had a few wine and a couple of vodka. I was feeling human and the alcohol was... self-medication for killing of some sinusitis germs that were threatening to invade my throat and chest. SO not fair to have to deal with allergies and chemo. I can't say that enough. I'm such a winer. You would be too if you had a sinus cavity as substantial as my own! The last time I consumed alcohol the night before chemo (just 4 wee glasses of wine over 8 hours) the intern doc gave me the stink eye (whatever, Doogie Houser!).

Must remember to take a Stemetil tablet an hour before the Benadyl drip. I get so twitchy and convulsive. It's a rough ride.

The chemo nurse nicked the easy to spot vein in the top of my arm and after that couldn't get back in. She gave up and went after an easy to spot one in the back of my hand. I don't like hand IVs. They hurt. And with all my twitching it just got worse and worse. There wasn't even that sense of relief when the needle finally came out. Just more ouch. Oh well. It's not like it was poison ivy.

When I got home it was time for sleep. I was out cold for almost 4 hours. I slept hard! Paul kept checking on me to make sure I was still breathing, that's how out I was. I needed the sleep. Didn't get enough the night before.

Got up at 8:30 and made dinner. Fettuccine Alfredo with garlic sauteed mushrooms and de-boned, skinless, trimmed of fat chicken thighs and fresh tomato. Yummo! Paul had already eaten. That's ok fet makes good left overs. At least with this cocktail I have an appetite. Things don't always taste good (in a few days everything is going to taste like salty metal) but at least I can keep my energy up. And as long as I can't really taste anything, I may as well eat healthy. Mmmmm - liver. Yummy - sardines. Gotta love that boiled spinach, kale and swiss chard. Leafy greens rule.

Chemo Round 3 - Day 2

I wasn't doing a very good job of keeping up with the posts last week. I was feeling good and no where near as cranky as the week before. So I was working hard to get as much work done as I could while I could. What is it about complaining that makes writing so easy as opposed to the good times when I've got better things to do than post. That's what this blog was initially set up for in the first place - the power of positive thinking.

Anyway...
Yesterday was round 3 of the first course of treatments. Half way through. 3 More rounds to go.
The needles were mostly easier this time. I've taken up closing my eyes and picturing something calming to get through the insertion. If I feel an ow, I acknowledge it, and then go back to my calm place. The needle really is 90% mental and 10% physical. And that physical isn't necessarily pain. Often it's just gross. Deal.

Had that big, burly, black nurse take my blood again. Don't like her technique at all!!! The first time she rammed the need into my arm. This time she was a lot more gentle but on the withdraw she manage to flip the needle around in the opposite direction that it was put in and it left a 1/2" scratch under the skin behind the insertion point. Yelp!

The IV went way better. Top of arm insertion with a LOT less trial and error to find a vein. Nice.

My stomach kept clenching in anticipation of nausea even though I wasn't queasy. The sight of pink pee kept turning my stomach too. Weird, the things I had found to be interesting medical curiosities before were putting me off this time. Like watching my blood as it occasionally got drawn back up the IV tubes... before: fascinating - this time: quick, avert my eyes!

Between blood testing and Chemo I have to have a little pow-wow with the Chemo doc to see how my blood levels are doing and whether I can handle another round of drugs. This time my usual doc was on vacation and the guy standing in for him couldn't have been any more than 20 - a bona fide "Doogie Houser". He said my liver measures were up from previous occasions but still within norm. I asked if the 4 glasses of wine i had the night before may have had anything to do with that. He said yes and asked what I had been celebrating. "The last night of feeling 100% instead of like crap for the net 2 weeks." An besides, they were small glasses (crystal Longchamp stem ware) - not even 1/2 bottle and it was over the course of 8 hours (6pm - 2 am, I a had stayed up late working).

Don't think I appreciated getting the stink ey from someone barely old enough to shave, let alone drink.

Chemo Round 2

Well, that was easy. And a lot faster than we were expecting. This time they started pushing meds as soon as I was hooked up. Last time I had to "hydrate" for a half hour on the saline before the attendant started the push. Or maybe she was just busy that time.

And this time I opted to have the IV go in on the top of my arm. The veins are a lot harder for them to find but it's worth it.
As she was hunting around in there I was looking away with my eyes closed, trying to think of any thing but the creepy probe wiggling around under my skin. It really doesn't hurt that much. But it does feel gross. The word I came up with as a mantra to distract myself... "cat".

Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, why am I thinking cat? Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, why can't I find any other word? Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat... oh well, we're done.

No discomfort and no swelling this time. I'm hoping for no bruise. I still have some swelling and ache if I push on the previous site.

Chemo Day 1 pt 2

We were checked in at 8:45. Picked up the anti nausea drugs from the hospital pharmacy. My appointment was for 9:30. I think I was hooked up by 10:00 and we were leaving the hospital at 1:00. Our future visits will be a bit longer because we'll have to go for blood testing before the chemo and check in with Dr Higgins before the treatment begins. (I always think of the Carol Brunette show and that skit with the secretary and "Mr. H-wiggins!")


Piece of cake, man! The IV is irritating but that's just because it's jammed in through my skin and into a vein. They gave me 3 meds. One red one was injected into the IV tube. It made my pee pink. The next one was a small clear substance injected into the IV tube and the last came in it's own cute little IV bag. The main IV was just saline to get everything flushing right away.

So far, no side effects but I have several anti-nausea meds that I'm supposed to take on a regular basis to prevent that. And I have to take in a lot of fluid. I've had 1.5 glasses of water, 2 servings of soup, 1 coffee at home and another big Timmies at the hospital.

The IV left a golf ball sized bruise on my forearm. Ok, so I wasn't really being a suck. It really was achy.

Due to the lumpectomy and the lymph nodes being removed on the left side they told me to always have procedures done on the right for now on, including needles, giving blood and blood pressure testing. I don't have optimal drainage to get things moving on the left side.

3 HOURS LATER:
It's now been about 3.5 hours since... I think I'm starting to go down hill. It might just be bloating. I had a grilled cheese and a bowl of soup... no, wait... thinking about what I ate just turned my stomach. I feel warm. I'm going to go lay down for a while. Maybe it's psychosomatic.

Don't worry - I'll be fine. Positive vibes!

Chemo Day 1

I need to massively up the fluid intake to FLUSH FLUSH FLUSH the toxins away that they are about to pump into me. I'm not good at getting enough water. But if I don't I imagine it'll feel a lot like a really bad hangover with all those poisons floating around my body.

Don't know what to expect, Paul will be with me in case I react badly. I don't think that'll be the case. Didn't do any reading as far as what to expect either. The effects are so varied that I would just be absorbing the worst case scenarios and making myself all scared before hand. Best to just go and see how it is first hand - not like I get a choice in that matter.

I think the poison ivy experience is actually a two fold blessing. Not only did I find the lump faster because of the steroid exposure, that was God's way of saying "This is what real pain feels like. Everything else is easy from here on in."

What the doctor did say was that one of the side effects of the drugs is that I WILL gain weight! Crap! Just when you think "I might feel like garbage but at least I'll loose some weight..." they go and pull that out from under ya!

Gotta go... leaving the house in 45 minutes.

Follow Up with Surgeon

I like this photo.

Everything is slowly getting back to normal. There's still a little inflammation around the incision but it's all but stopped leaking. And still very swollen. I'm almost getting used to it but I'd rather not have to. Dr. Niaz said that the swelling is a good thing. I'm full of healing materials and when I'm done mending my body should reabsorb the extra fluids.

Drainage has been an issue. The surgeon had put a drain in under my arm to handle the accumulation of fluids after having a bunch of lymph nodes removed. After that slowed down the home care nurse removed the hardware and the opening healed in about 24 hours.

But then the pressure elsewhere began to build. And build. And build. Then I literally burst at the seams! 150ml (1/4cup) came pouring out of a couple pin sized holes near the bottom of the incision on my breast. That was scary!

The home nurse said she had never heard anything like that before but as long as I wasn't in pain and there didn't appear to be any signs of infection I shouldn't panic and that I should go see a walk-in clinic doctor the next day (it was the weekend). The clinic doctor didn't seem to alarmed either. She said that was nature's way of saying "we need to let some of this pressure off." It was freaky though. I was sounding like a big, sloshy, half full hot water bottle.

Over the next week I continued to drain about 50-30 ml per day. The following week I was soaking through dressings twice a day. The next week Dr Niaz tried gluing me shut and pulling me closed with steri strips. The week after that I was still leaking a few drops per day... and finally! As of yesterday - not enough moisture to merit a band-aid. My next follow up with Dr Niaz will be in mid March.

Before and After

The Angel Hair Network is one wig richer today.... Find Angel Hair for Kinds on Facebook.

I'm almost disappointed. I was expecting a big purple splotch. All these years I assumed I had a wine stain that caused my red streak. Nope. It's lighter. There are bleached spots where my gold streaks grow from. I do have on purple spot but it's on the other side. It's perfectly round and about the diameter of a AAA battery.

Met with Chemo Doc

I like the way he described my case. I had cancer, I had a lumpectomy, I no longer have cancer. The chemo and radiation treatments are preventative maintenance to ensure I don't have a repeat episode.

The bone scan and liver ultrasound both came back negative for cancer. I didn't know that's what they were looking for. I could have sword Dr Niaz had said the scans were to check wether I was healthy enough to handle the chemo drugs. I've found a lot of information is provided on a "need-to-know" basis only.

Good news! The chemo isn't going to be 1 week straight - 3 weeks off... It'll only be 1 day every 3 weeks. I'll be done that phase of treatment in 18 weeks - just over 4 months instead of 7-8.
My first treatment is next Friday.

Ultrasound / Bone Density Scan Day

Had to fast for the ultrasound. I'm always confused about hospital gowns - front wards / backwards. It seems to change every other visit. And doesn't always seem logical considering the procedure.

Getting an ultrasound is generally easy. Except this time the technician was all over my lower ribs and that just hurts! I'm not ticklish but even a small amount of pressure on the lowest ribs always feels like I'm being crushed. The hard plastic of the ultrasound wand may as well have been a metal golf club head. But that's just me. And she went all the way around from the back of my left ribs across the front and around to the back of my right ribs. Thats a lot of imaging goop. Could that stuff be nastier?

After that I went down the hall to Nuclear Imaging where I was injected with some kind of dye and had 3 hours to kill before my appointment with the bone camera. Time to eat and drink.

Everyone said it was similar to an MRI... not really. An MRI is kind of like being crammed into a skinny metal barrel while Japanese Taiko Drummers hammer on the sides. Nuclear imaging is quite relaxing in comparison.


My face started close to an imaging panel but over the course of 25 minutes that panel moved all the way down to my toes. I wasn't even really aware of the passage of time, for the most part. Thanks to the meditation portion of yoga classes I'm really good at slipping into a relaxed state and separating body and mind. In other words I slept through the first scan! That was followed by two 3 minute scans of my elbows.

I requested a copy of the scans just for curiosity sake... no problem. Didn't even have to buy the copy. Cool. It's not every day you get to take home a picture of your skeleton.