I can't sleep. It's nearly 4 in the morning and my mind keeps taking of in one direction or another. It's frustrating. I might just take advantage of the overwhelming desire to sleep when the nurse comes in to pump me full of Benadryl tomorrow.
I sure hope this is a far more comfortable IV. The last one never settled in and hurt the whole time. The nurse figures the tip of the needle must have been pushing up against a valve.
I remembered to get my drugs this time. Was supposed to start the Dex the day before treatment and forgot last time until bed time the night before so I missed a dose. Oh well.
I never got my week of wellness this time around. At leas on the other cocktail there were only 2 really rough days of riding it out on the couch... and a few days later of just being tired. With this one, and the 7 daily shots that followed, it just got worse and worse for the 1st week and then took just over a week to recover. And then I got slammed with these darn allergies. This isn't fair. A person shouldn't have to do chemo and allergies at the same time. I have NO endurance. A walk to the mailbox and back is enough to make my lip sweat. Making 2 trips up and down the stairs is enough to make me pant for breath. Only this and one more treatment and I can begin the journey back to wellness. I miss being strong. I can't even will myself to be stronger than my body believe any more. The batteries are just too low.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Anxious
I have one more day of "freedom" before my next treatment.
I've had allergies for the last 2 weeks and for the past few days i've fear that it's become sinusitis. I was worried that it might have been a cold since I've been exposed to baby germs lately. nope. Clear snot. Not green boogers.
I keep dreading the upcoming treatment, thinking about how harsh the following 2 weeks were. And trying not to cry when I think about the good days I got gypped of.... But I should be so lucky!
Great, GREAT healthcare.
Amazing support.
Out of this world, stellar boss.
The hospital is just down the street.
I'm really hoping that when I do get the next treatment, the bag full of Benadryl will make this cruddy feeling go away. More than a little good with the whole lot of evil to come.
I've had allergies for the last 2 weeks and for the past few days i've fear that it's become sinusitis. I was worried that it might have been a cold since I've been exposed to baby germs lately. nope. Clear snot. Not green boogers.
I keep dreading the upcoming treatment, thinking about how harsh the following 2 weeks were. And trying not to cry when I think about the good days I got gypped of.... But I should be so lucky!
Great, GREAT healthcare.
Amazing support.
Out of this world, stellar boss.
The hospital is just down the street.
I'm really hoping that when I do get the next treatment, the bag full of Benadryl will make this cruddy feeling go away. More than a little good with the whole lot of evil to come.
Balditude:
The attitude that you can get away with a lot more stuff at my age because I'm "ailing" and you should be sympathetic.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Tired of Being Tired
I'm not snapping back from this one. Understandably, since I was tormented for a whole week as opposed to a single day. Every time I try to do anything... within minutes I'm laid out horizontal again.
Had a bath, thought it would be soothing and refreshing. I spent most of it curled up, listening to my heart beat under the water. That really bugs Ty. It's bad enough that I'm wet - drowning is not a good thing in a cat's book.
Getting out of the tub was bad. The water was too cold to stay in any longer and the room was cold. I couldn't dry the large water drops off fast enough before diving under the blankets to finish "air drying". Shivering is exhausting. Another 20 minute nap was required to recover.
The sun has been blazing in the sky all day. I keep checking. It's a trick. It's cold out.
The cat's have it right with that sun beam on the carpet. I hogged one for another 15 minute nap while my bald head got a heathy dose of vitamin D.
I did finally get a client's photo touched up well enough for his billboard add. Had to stretch a 2' image to 16'! Ten hours of my weekend spent fudging pixels. Oh well, much of it was done while on my back.
I'm sad. My weekend is winding up and I don't feel rested. And I'm afraid, just when I'm about to feel human again I'll have to start round 5. That thought almost made me cry. Suck it up. No one said it was going to be easy. Maybe I'll have a couple of good days yet before the next round.
Had a bath, thought it would be soothing and refreshing. I spent most of it curled up, listening to my heart beat under the water. That really bugs Ty. It's bad enough that I'm wet - drowning is not a good thing in a cat's book.
Getting out of the tub was bad. The water was too cold to stay in any longer and the room was cold. I couldn't dry the large water drops off fast enough before diving under the blankets to finish "air drying". Shivering is exhausting. Another 20 minute nap was required to recover.
The sun has been blazing in the sky all day. I keep checking. It's a trick. It's cold out.
The cat's have it right with that sun beam on the carpet. I hogged one for another 15 minute nap while my bald head got a heathy dose of vitamin D.
I did finally get a client's photo touched up well enough for his billboard add. Had to stretch a 2' image to 16'! Ten hours of my weekend spent fudging pixels. Oh well, much of it was done while on my back.
I'm sad. My weekend is winding up and I don't feel rested. And I'm afraid, just when I'm about to feel human again I'll have to start round 5. That thought almost made me cry. Suck it up. No one said it was going to be easy. Maybe I'll have a couple of good days yet before the next round.
Friday, April 16, 2010
I Feel Weak - pt 2
Extreme fatigue is the killer. Small efforts are equivalent to running marathons.
Brushing my teeth is a huge effort. But it must be done! My tongue has turned white. I don't think it's thrush. I've worried about that since over hearing that it could be a symptom. It looks like the outer layer of skin is dying off - attack of the killer meds. Nothing gross like sloughing skin or anything, just white. If I scrub, it turns pink again... but not for long.
Showering is a HUGE effort. I miss having a massive head of hair that would soak up a lot of hot water an keep me warm throughout. Instead, I spend a lot of time huddling under the spray trying to stay warm. I always feel like I'm missing something. Not having to shampoo and condition or shave definitely saves a lot of time. Lather and rinse... that can't be it. I thought it was just habit a first, but after a shower I still wrap my head in a towel just to keep warm.
Sitting up is hard. That lasts for about 5 minutes (I'm being generous) before I begin to melt. I, and my back especially, are sick to death of laying down. Sometimes I pace just to get the blood flowing again. A person shouldn't find themselves breathing hard from plodding around their kitchen 3-4 times.
My digestive system has drifted off to sleep. Three mouthfuls of water or juice is enough to fill me up. There's the feeling of a small cannon ball pushing up under my ribs against my diaphragm. It makes me gasp for air too. If I stop and concentrate on breathing in and filling my lungs, I can, they are not congested. They're just way under utilized. Which, I fear, is also contributing to my fatigue.
4:14 am - I should get some rest.
Brushing my teeth is a huge effort. But it must be done! My tongue has turned white. I don't think it's thrush. I've worried about that since over hearing that it could be a symptom. It looks like the outer layer of skin is dying off - attack of the killer meds. Nothing gross like sloughing skin or anything, just white. If I scrub, it turns pink again... but not for long.
Showering is a HUGE effort. I miss having a massive head of hair that would soak up a lot of hot water an keep me warm throughout. Instead, I spend a lot of time huddling under the spray trying to stay warm. I always feel like I'm missing something. Not having to shampoo and condition or shave definitely saves a lot of time. Lather and rinse... that can't be it. I thought it was just habit a first, but after a shower I still wrap my head in a towel just to keep warm.
Sitting up is hard. That lasts for about 5 minutes (I'm being generous) before I begin to melt. I, and my back especially, are sick to death of laying down. Sometimes I pace just to get the blood flowing again. A person shouldn't find themselves breathing hard from plodding around their kitchen 3-4 times.
My digestive system has drifted off to sleep. Three mouthfuls of water or juice is enough to fill me up. There's the feeling of a small cannon ball pushing up under my ribs against my diaphragm. It makes me gasp for air too. If I stop and concentrate on breathing in and filling my lungs, I can, they are not congested. They're just way under utilized. Which, I fear, is also contributing to my fatigue.
4:14 am - I should get some rest.
I Feel Weak
This was posted April 13, but in my weakened state, I put it on the wrong Blog! - duh.
The meds have finally caught up with me.
I ache everywhere. And where I don't ache, I feel thick. My finger tips feel like I've been drumming on concrete. My ankles are throbbing. A weird electrical sensation keeps traveling from my knee to my hip socket. I feel like there is a hard little pool ball wedged up under my diaphragm and pushing against my ribs from the inside.
My mouth feels bad. Too much mucus. And all the soft parts feel swollen. My tongue is dragging on the edge of my extremely sharp teeth. The surface of my tongue feels burnt and scraped. And it's staining. No matter what I drink or eat, that is what colour my tongue turns. Yuck.
My lips are hot and dry.
Then there's the hot / cold, hot / cold... not fun!
It was a challenge getting through yesterday just feeling fatigued. Today is going to be harsh. It really is just a whole bunch of little symptoms, but I feel like they've ganged up on me... I'm fading... fading... arg.
The meds have finally caught up with me.
I ache everywhere. And where I don't ache, I feel thick. My finger tips feel like I've been drumming on concrete. My ankles are throbbing. A weird electrical sensation keeps traveling from my knee to my hip socket. I feel like there is a hard little pool ball wedged up under my diaphragm and pushing against my ribs from the inside.
My mouth feels bad. Too much mucus. And all the soft parts feel swollen. My tongue is dragging on the edge of my extremely sharp teeth. The surface of my tongue feels burnt and scraped. And it's staining. No matter what I drink or eat, that is what colour my tongue turns. Yuck.
My lips are hot and dry.
Then there's the hot / cold, hot / cold... not fun!
It was a challenge getting through yesterday just feeling fatigued. Today is going to be harsh. It really is just a whole bunch of little symptoms, but I feel like they've ganged up on me... I'm fading... fading... arg.
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